Funny Busting Out of the Hospital
What's the difference between a Syrian kindergarten and an ISIS hospital?
I wouldn't know, I'm just the drone operator.
A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital.
He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses.
Am I in heaven? asks the disoriented priest.
No says one of the nurses. We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward.
So an old lady's husband dies...
The old lady depressed and wants to kill herself goes to the doctor and asks him "Where is the heart located?" The doctor tells her it is under the left breast. The old lady goes to the gun store and buys a gun, goes home and puts the gun under her left breast and pulls the trigger. The old lady was soon admitted to the hospital with a bullet wound to her left knee.
A friend of mine has been rushed to hospital, after eating a horse-burger.
Apparently he is now in a stable condition.
Doctor: "Your wife is in hospital!"...
Me: "...How is she?"
Doctor: "I'm afraid she's critical".
Me: "Oh, you get used to that...".
GRANPA, GRANPA CROAK LIKE A FROG
A six-year-old goes to the hospital with her mother to visit her Grandpa. When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her mother and bursts into her Grandpa's room. "Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "as soon as my mother comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"
"What?" said her Grandpa.
"Make a noise like a frog because my mom said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disney World!
A lady almost 9 months pregnant falls down some stairs and knocks herself out...
When she wakes up, she is in a hospital bed.
Doctor: "We had to deliver your fraternal twins while you slept, but they are completely healthy. Also, your brother stopped by and named them for you"
New Mother: "My brother named them? But he's an idiot! What are their names?"
Doctor: "Well, the little girl is named Denise."
New Mother: "Well, that's not so bad. What about my son?"
Doctor: "Denephew."
How I learned to miknd my own business:
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were yelling "13...13...13..."
The fence was too high for me to see over but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.
Someone poked me in the eye with a stick and then they all started shouting "14... 14... 14..."!
A husband sends a text to his wife.
Honey, I got hit by a car outside of the office. Tina brought me to the hospital. They have been taking tests and doing x-rays. The blow to my head is very strong, may be serious. Also, I have 3 broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture on my left leg and they may have to amputate the right foot.
Wife's Response:
Who is Tina?
Did you hear about the 80 year old woman that tried to kill herself?
She was told that the most effective way would be to shoot herself through the heart, just below her left breast... She woke up in hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
"Push harder" I shouted at my wife while she was in labor...
"Push harder" I shouted at my wife while she was in labor.
"Screw you" she screamed back at me.
Bit harsh I thought...... it wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to the hospital!
You can explore hospital surgical reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean hospital anesthesia dad jokes. There are also hospital puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Husband send a text to his wife
Husband's text:
>Honey, I got hit by a car outside the office.
Paula brought me to the Hospital.
Doctors presently doing tests and taking X-rays.
Severe blow to my head but not likely to have any lasting effects. Wound required 19 stitches.
I have three broken ribs, a broken arm and compound fracture in the left leg. Amputation of my right foot is a possibility.
Love you.
Wife's response:
>Who's Paula?
What do hospitals and refrigerators have in common?
If you pull the plug, the vegetables start to decompose.
What`s the difference between a Doctors Without Borders hospital and ISIS?
How would I know, I`m just a US Air Force Operator.
Sex after Surgery
A recent article in the Dominion Post reported that a woman has sued Wellington Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.
A hospital spokesman replied: "Your husband was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight!"
Whats the difference between an ISIS training camp and a children's hospital?
I dunno, I just fly the drone...
"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital..."
"Jeremy, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."
My brother won a prize for staying in a hospital bed for a really long time.
He got a trophy.
An Australian man wakes up in the hospital...
... he says, "Doctor, was I brought here to die?"
The doctor replies, "No, you were brought here yester-die"
My girlfriend is in the hospital after she ate a giant bacon cheese burger.
It was mine.
A woman is in the hospital in a coma...
and the husband is in the waiting room. The doctor comes out and tells the husband every time he gets near her crotch, her heart rate increases, and tells the husband he believes oral sex will bring her out of the coma.
The husband enters the room. Shortly after, the doctor hears a flatline and rushes into the room, asking what happened. The husband replies, "I dont know, Doc. I think she choked."
A pregnant woman hobbles into the hospital with one hand on her back...
A nurse asks her what's wrong, and the pregnant woman screams, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Didn't!"
The nurse shakes her head and says, "I'm sorry…I don't understand."
The pregnant woman's face contorts in pain as she shouts, "Can't! Won't! Don't!"
The nurse, bewildered, turns to a doctor.
"Admit her," the doctor said. "She's having contractions."
At a mental hospital, one patient keeps yelling "I am a messenger of God! I am a messenger of God!"
"I didn't send anybody" says someone in the adjacent room.
A woman heard that her blonde friend was in the hospital
She went to visit her, and found her propped up in bed with bandages over both her ears.
"What in the world happened to you?" she asked.
"It was the craziest thing," said the blonde. "I was ironing clothes when the phone rang. Without thinking I held the iron up to my ear and said 'hello?'"
"But what happened to your other ear?"
"I had to call the ambulance, didn't I?"
Kanye West was hospitalized...
Our thoughts and prayers go out to the hospital staff at this difficult time.
Where is the worst place to hide in a hospital?
In the ICU.
A man goes to the hospital to see if he has diabetes.
Once he arrives, a nurse asks him for a urine sample. He complies, and moments later, the nurse comes back into the room with the results.
"I'm sorry, sir, but we've found high traces of glucose in your urine. You're diabetic." She says.
Disappointed, the man manages to reply, "Well, I'm still very thankful for your help today, nurse."
"Sure thing, sweet pee."
Schrodinger is waiting in a veterinary hospital for news on his cat...
The nurse comes in and says
"Sir,, I have good news and bad news."
A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Indian man were waiting outside the delivery room.
The matron comes out and explains that the hospital has accidentally mixed up the babies.
The Scot goes straight in and picks up the brown baby.
The Indian says "Are you sure that's your baby?"
The Scot says "No, but there's no way I'm going to risk leaving here with an English baby."
Who has two thumbs and is headed to the hospital?
Not me. Christ that tablesaw was sharp.
What's the most common operation in a LEGO hospital?
Plastic surgery.
[Credits: My 11yo son invented this joke]
Teacher : Why didn't you write your homework? Pupil : My dad is in a hospital
*7 days later* T : why didn't you write your homework this time?
P : my dad is still in the hospital.
T : wow, this must be serious.
*1 month later*
T : Let me guess, you didn't do your homework because your father is still in the hospital.
P : Indeed.
T: well, how come?
P : he's a doctor.
An old woman stopped me and asked
"Excuse me, can you show me how to get to the hospital"?
I said "No problem"
Then I pushed her under a bus
As a Canadian..
Every time I hear a bad joke about being Canadian...
...I go right to the Hospital and get my feelings checked for free
In the hospital, I asked the charge nurse for a phone charger - she was very offended.
Don't even get me started on the reaction from the head nurse.
I got kicked out of the hospital.
Apparently, the sign "Stroke patients here" meant something totally different.
What's the difference between a Taliban Base and a hospital?
I don't know, I just fly the drone
After 10 years, the wife thinks their kid looks kind of strange
She decides to take a DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.
Wife: "Honey, I have something very serious to tell you."
Husband: "What's up?"
Wife: "According to the DNA test results, this isn't our kid."
Husband: "Well, you don't remember, do you? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed our baby had pooped. You said: Please go change the baby, I'll wait for you here."
To all of you idiots out there that drive loud cars, we hate you and get off our roads.
We don't care how many heart attack victims you have to take to the hospital.
If you were a fruit, you would be a Fineapple. If you were a vegetable....
I would visit you every day in the hospital.
A man wakes up in the hospital after a serious accident
He shouts "Doctor, Doctor I can't feel my legs!"
The Doctor replies, "I know, we amputated your arms."
A man is rushed to the hospital and is given blood.
When the man gets worse, a nurse goes running to the doctor, saying "We gave him the wrong blood!"
The doctor responds "Ah, must've been a Type-O!"
Oh, sure. My friend donates a kidney to the City Hospital, and he's treated like some hero.
I donate five kidneys and I get arrested.
An American tourist in Australia was in an accident.
The next day he woke up in the hospital and asked, "Did you bring me here to die?"
The orderly said, "No, mate, we brought you here yesterday."
A woman is walking home with her three daughters.
The eldest daughter turns to her and asks, "Mummy, how did I get my name?"
"Well sweetie, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a rose petal landed on your head! So that's why we named you Rose".
The second daughter, now curious, asks the same question.
"Well darling, when we were bringing *you* home from the hospital, a *lily* petal landed on your head! So that's why we named you Lily."
The third girl asks "AAArrgghhrasfdg".
"Shhh, quiet now, Cinderblock".
A politicians promise
A politician visited a village and asked what their needs were.
We have 2 basic needs sir, replied the villager.
Firstly, we have a hospital, but there's no doctor.
On hearing this, politician whipped out his cellphone, and after speaking for a while he reassured the village leader that the doctor would be there the next day. He then asked about the second problem.
Secondly sir, there is no cellphone coverage anywhere in this village.
Thought I'd let you all know I'm in the hospital.
Thee doctors say I'll be fine but I must warn you, the Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name.
Step by step guide on how to fall down stairs
Step 1:
Step 2:
Step 4:
Step 7:
Step 12:
Step 18:
Step 25:
Hospital
A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: "So, honey? How's my mom doing?"
He replies: "She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!"
"Wow that's amazing!" - says the wife - "But this is very strange, dear... yesterday she seemed to be on her deathbed, the doctors said she should have a few days to live!"
"Well, I don't know how she was yesterday" - he replied - "But today when I arrived at the hospital, the doctor told me that we should prepare for the worst"
Why'd the gardener get banned from the hospital?
He kept watering the vegetables.
An American tourist is hit by a car in downtown Sydney, AU.
He is in a coma for 24 hours. When he wakes up in the hospital, he is very disoriented.
"Did I come here to die?" he asks.
The nurse replies, "No, love, you came here yestadie!"
I called my mom and told her not to worry, but I'm in the hospital.
She told me "You're the goddamn doctor and this wasn't funny the first time."
My 85-year-old grandfather was rushed to the hospital with a possible concussion.
**The doctor asked him a series of questions: Do you know where you are? I'm at Rex Hospital. What city are you in? Raleigh. Do you know who I am? Dr. Hamilton. My grandfather then turned to the nurse and said, I hope he doesn't ask me any more questions. Why? she asked. Because all of those answers were on his badge. **
Where is the worst place to hide if you are having a game of hide and seek in a hospital ?
The ICU
An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Ethiopian all sit in the hospital lobby as their wives are giving birth.
After a while the doctor comes out, invites them into the nursery where 3 babies lie in cribs and says: "Congratulation! You all just became fathers! But there is one problem. Due to a nurse's error the babies got mixed up and we don't really know which one who's."
The Englishman suddenly grabs the darkest baby and sprints towards the door.
The doctor shouts: "Sir! What are you doing!!!?"
The Englishman as he's getting farther: "I'm not raising no bloody Frenchman!"
"I'll do whatever I can for my constituents"
A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.
"We have two big needs," said the village headman. "First, we have a hospital but no doctor."
The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while, and then said, "I have it sorted out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?"
"We have no cellphone reception at all in our village."
An 88-year old man came to the hospital and said to the doctor, Doctor, my 18 year old wife is pregnant with my child.
The doctor paused and said, There was a master bear shooter in a village. He never missed a shot.
But one day he was in a hurry, and took his umbrella instead of his rifle by mistake.
When he encountered a bear, he still didn't realize his mistake and pointed the umbrella and shot the bear.
The bear lay dead with a bullet in his heart!
The old man said, That's stupid! The bullet must have been shot by another person.
That's exactly right, said the doctor.
A dying husband in a hospital bed asks his wife, "Our seventh child always looked different from the other six. Did he have a different father?"
His wife, crying uncontrollably answers, "Yes."
He asks, "Whose is it?"
His wife replies, "Yours!"
If There's Hell Below …
As a lawyer woke up in the hospital after surgery he asked, Why are all the blinds drawn in here? The nurse answered, There's a fire across the street and we didn't want you to think the operation had been a failure.
A man was driving on the highway in the US when suddenly he was hit by a drunk driver, breaking his right arm, puncturing his lung, and putting him into a short coma
Despite not having insurance, he left the hospital without any financially crippling debt that would haunt him for the rest of his life and compromise his future savings.
Just got hospitalised due to a peekaboo accident
They put me in the ICU
My wife shouted CAN'T at 8:58 am then 10:02 am she yelled WON'T!!!
I told her we need to go to the hospital. Her contractions were only 4 minutes apart.
(My wife is actually in labor right now at the hospital.)
Short message telegram
In days past, pre- phones and faxes and emails, a group of young ladies went on a picnic.
Unfortunately, the picnic was cut short as one of their group, Anna, sat down on an anthill and was rushed to hospital (Accident and Emergency in the UK).
Her friends needed to inform Anna's parents, but only had enough money to send a six word telegram (in addition to the address).
The telegram read, "Anacin hospital adamant bitter asinine places."
My best friend got kicked in the groin and passed out so I brought him to the hospital
Me: How is my friend doing?
Doctor: She is ok
I went to the hospital the other day because my wife was giving birth. The doctor came out of the room, handed me a baby and said I'm sorry— your wife didn't make it.
I said, Okay, could you give me the one my wife made?
Svengoolie
Q: How do you get a farm girl to like you?
A: >!A tractor!<
Q: What's the difference between Sven (the host) and a savings bond?
A.1: >!One's appreciated.!<
A.2: >!A savings bond matures.!<
Q: What part of the hospital is off-limits to The Invisible Man?
A: >!The ICU.!<
I was in the hospital for a week. I just got out and my wife tells me to take a shower and change my underwear. "Soon, they might start walking and talking on their own," she says.
I said, "They might even crack a few jokes.
.
.
"But they'll be brief."
I was rushed to hospital after being stabbed in the neck with a root vegetable...
Surgeons had to act fast to fix my carrot-ed artery.
A man has been admitted to hospital after being shot with a starter pistol.
Police think it's race related.
Dogs and old tech
I work at a veterinary hospital.
We had to give booster shots to a dog today, specifically a Doberman Pinscher.
I noted that we were "updating a dobie."
Many groans were had.
I thought it was funny. :)
boardmansweld1948.blogspot.com
Source: https://jokojokes.com/hospital-jokes.html
0 Response to "Funny Busting Out of the Hospital"
Post a Comment